Air on the Side of Caution

So that phrase just caught my brain when I read it, more so than the other varied misspellings in the pseudo-medical article I was reading. Yes, I am trying to find information on my mysterious abdominal pain. The doctor route hasn't really led me anywhere except to a lot of dead ends and tests that turn out "perfect". The latest theory is muscle strain. I'm a firm believer in every latest theory until the tests tell me that I'm wrong, and Airing on the Side of Caution is my new motto.

I want to take a moment to mourn a tragic loss: I seem to have killed my laptop hard drive in a valiant attempt to back it up like a good computer owner. I think it was like exercising a heart that is already too far gone - the thing came back to life briefly, but couldn't hold it together. I secretly hope that I can find a way to salvage something that might have been really important, but then another part of me secretly says "well, this is what you get for waiting to back it up" and also adds "and really you will be fine without any of that stuff". And to my great surprise, I am tending to agree with the latter. I expected that I would be distraught when this happened. Maybe it will hit me later when I remember what I lost. Anyway, let's just take a moment to think about those fleeting bits and bytes that we use instead of biological memory, and how thrilled I was to get that heavy little laptop of joy.

The Good Kind of Change

So it's been a while. Yep, long months of change and progress. Moving into new things, new ideas. Old ideas that I'm starting to think about again. New forces pulling me in directions I need to go.

So here's a bridge, surely symbolic of the transitions that await me. Or maybe it's just a nice bridge that I wanted to take a picture of, so we stopped on the way back before we crossed it again. But even that means something. It means that my sweetheart likes me and doesn't mind pulling over to take pictures. Or to look at moose, which we did also on that trip - my first real live close-up moose experience! And no camera, because I didn't want to miss seeing them while I unzipped the bag and turned things on. It was cool.

It was also literally cool, because we were up in the mountains/hills and twenty degrees cooler than it was in town. Yes, it is surely summer. The hot kind.

So about those changes. The reason we have a picture of this bridge, which is way over by Flaming Gorge Dam, is that we were day-tripping out of Vernal, where my honey is learning to be a really good, money-making truck driver. We're seeing each other on the weekends now instead of every single day. I am happy to say that despite this, we are still moving forward with our relationship and none of my fears of tragic loneliness and disconnectedness have come to fruition.

Instead, I am finding myself thinking about things I didn't let myself think about for so long: marriage, houses, and all that. Future things. Hopeful things. And I've been taking small steps toward my other goals: I let my mom read my story during her visit, I've started the painting from my dream image, I've got Qt on my computer at home so I can build interfaces for personal programming projects. I'm crossing that bridge of hesitation and doubt, feeling more joy and pride. It's really awesome. Really.

An Tell Oh Pie Land

It seemed a bit extravagent to pay a day's admission for barely enough time to drive out to Antelope Island and back before the gate closed, but in the end it was priceless. It was beautiful, and eerie, and amazing. We were there in that moment of in-between, the twilight of everything - surrounded by water and fog and silence and wonder. My sister and I kept stopping and getting out, looking and feeling, experiencing this surreal span of time and road stretching across water. Unforgettable.

I didn't realize how much time had passed - I was surprised that the last post was just before I took the job that I've been at for the last seven months. A job I've been happy to have, that has brought me back into using the skills I prefer to use, that has introduced me to some kind and admirable people.

My sister's visit was in November, and I still have to send her the pictures. It isn't any faster than when I had to wait to get them developed when I finished the roll... This was a big event for me, since nobody from my family had come out west for maybe three years, and it had been nine or ten years since she herself had visited. I desperately wanted to share my new home, my new experiences. I hadn't realized how important it was until it was there, and it did me a lot of good. I hope the next visit doesn't take so long.

I have felt lately that I am entering a new phase of life. I find myself wanting to be free of the things I have held onto for so long. After the last move, into my new apartment, I began to feel less attached to the old things, and I started to feel like it was time to move on. I want to create a new environment for myself, one that is more future-oriented, relaxing, and inspiring. It's not something that I'm used to feeling, or that I know how to execute properly - somehow getting rid of things seems like the most complicated process: I try selling something online and nobody shows up to get it. I have to save things off my old computer before I can give it away. I need to pack up books to get them to neices and nephews. As you can see, this is not moving along as quickly as my impatient self wants it to, because it isn't on my calendar. I need a better plan. I'll do it later.

One more thing that is on my mind lately: the fact that it is looking very much like I will not be heading down that well-worn path to motherhood and everything that goes with it. I have developed a curiosity about the alternatives: what makes life worth living when you don't have children to be concerned about, can the bond with a child that isn't one's own be equivalent, is there something that I can offer the world that will be valued despite my childlessness? Because it seems that way sometimes, like as a woman you are something strange if you do not have children, if you have not at least tried to have one, if you don't want to have them. Though there must be a lot of childless women, they aren't getting a lot of attention.

I think I am looking for a path made by those who have gone before. A path like that narrow strip of road stretching across the water - leading through fog and wonder into the future.