No Wagons in the Corn Mase

Yeah, that's not a play on words - that's a direct quote from a picture my sister sent me. There's something about it - I just had to use it for a title of something. It's so visual. And blatantly misspelled. It's perfect.

So I'm a bit queasy right now, because I've just recently (what, fifteen minutes ago?) had The Call from the potential employer. The one where they say we'd like to make an offer when can you start and here's the amount - and I have to ask if I can get it in writing, and think about it for a day or so. Turns out they need to have me fill out an official application form and maybe do a background check before they can get the offer in writing from HR. And even though I think this will be a cool job and I'm pretty happy about it, I can't get truly excited until I have that baby in writing. It's not like with the very small companies, where they tell you the offer and it's right then and there official. There is a process to the whole thing, and you have to go through all the steps to get stamped with approval.

Aside from all that, this is pretty close to what I've been hoping to get. This is the reason I moved. This is the justification for all the hoping, taking chances, and holding out even though my family and friends are going nuts thinking that I'm going to go broke or whatever. Oh, yeah. This is what I've all been waiting for. Think about it: group medical and dental, paid vacation, direct deposit... and I haven't even gone broke to get it. Granted, I do owe my boyfriend about a hundred dinners and a few concerts, and a couple of lunches and beers will be going out to my roommate, and I am generally obligated to be really generous now to just about everyone, but by golly I CAN be, now.

And Blogger saves my drafts automatically now! When did that happen? Sweet! Life is good!

Why I Like People Today:
Because they're so predictable. Really, now. Tell me you aren't predictable. The guy that lies will predicatably lie. The one that huffs and puffs and says he can't take it, will take it like he always does and try to make it better in his own way. The girl who procrastinates will always come through in the end. The one who worries will do so no matter how well things are going. This is how people are, and this is what makes us feel like we are powerful: we can predict the reactions of our friends and relatives. We are god-like.

You know you want to be god-like. Just admit it.

Embracing The Lack?

Why I like people today:
Oh, why not? Yeah, everybody has issues, and they get themselves all tied up in knots about things that don't matter every once in a while. And sometimes they go nuts and get obsessed and forget that other people have lives to live, too. But so what? Most of them mean well. Most of us try hard, even if we're a bit confused about what it is we're trying to acheive. We do much better when we know what we want. Do you know what you want?

What I want
So I was doing the self-knowledge thing again, and not peeking at my old answers. I found myself thinking about what my goal in life is, and how much it has changed in the last couple of years. In the last year, mostly. I think my focus has gone from seeking some kind of security, something safe and reliable and protected, to something with a bit more risk and freedom. I'm letting go of the very deep desire to have the life I was brought up to live, and I'm finding new ways to experience life, to embrace the lack of husband kids career soccer school plays vacations birthday parties unconditional love...

Okay, so I'm not completely letting go, just trying to acccept that this is not my life. And the thing is, I'm not really all that unhappy the way I am. The last couple of months have been quite thrilling, and even with the rough spots I wouldn't trade them. My sister and my brother have that other stuff. I have this. I have a future that I can make up in any way I want to. Nothing planned. Nothing determined. How scary is that? But how exciting!


Scanned in some old photos the other day - stuff from around '85 or '86. So here's a Spring photo to celebrate the season, and all the tulips and dandelions that come with it.

I've started to actually apply at places where I really want to work. How fun to go to an interview and be able to just be excited about working again. If I don't get it, there's always the local ice cream parlor...