Air on the Side of Caution

So that phrase just caught my brain when I read it, more so than the other varied misspellings in the pseudo-medical article I was reading. Yes, I am trying to find information on my mysterious abdominal pain. The doctor route hasn't really led me anywhere except to a lot of dead ends and tests that turn out "perfect". The latest theory is muscle strain. I'm a firm believer in every latest theory until the tests tell me that I'm wrong, and Airing on the Side of Caution is my new motto.

I want to take a moment to mourn a tragic loss: I seem to have killed my laptop hard drive in a valiant attempt to back it up like a good computer owner. I think it was like exercising a heart that is already too far gone - the thing came back to life briefly, but couldn't hold it together. I secretly hope that I can find a way to salvage something that might have been really important, but then another part of me secretly says "well, this is what you get for waiting to back it up" and also adds "and really you will be fine without any of that stuff". And to my great surprise, I am tending to agree with the latter. I expected that I would be distraught when this happened. Maybe it will hit me later when I remember what I lost. Anyway, let's just take a moment to think about those fleeting bits and bytes that we use instead of biological memory, and how thrilled I was to get that heavy little laptop of joy.

The Good Kind of Change

So it's been a while. Yep, long months of change and progress. Moving into new things, new ideas. Old ideas that I'm starting to think about again. New forces pulling me in directions I need to go.

So here's a bridge, surely symbolic of the transitions that await me. Or maybe it's just a nice bridge that I wanted to take a picture of, so we stopped on the way back before we crossed it again. But even that means something. It means that my sweetheart likes me and doesn't mind pulling over to take pictures. Or to look at moose, which we did also on that trip - my first real live close-up moose experience! And no camera, because I didn't want to miss seeing them while I unzipped the bag and turned things on. It was cool.

It was also literally cool, because we were up in the mountains/hills and twenty degrees cooler than it was in town. Yes, it is surely summer. The hot kind.

So about those changes. The reason we have a picture of this bridge, which is way over by Flaming Gorge Dam, is that we were day-tripping out of Vernal, where my honey is learning to be a really good, money-making truck driver. We're seeing each other on the weekends now instead of every single day. I am happy to say that despite this, we are still moving forward with our relationship and none of my fears of tragic loneliness and disconnectedness have come to fruition.

Instead, I am finding myself thinking about things I didn't let myself think about for so long: marriage, houses, and all that. Future things. Hopeful things. And I've been taking small steps toward my other goals: I let my mom read my story during her visit, I've started the painting from my dream image, I've got Qt on my computer at home so I can build interfaces for personal programming projects. I'm crossing that bridge of hesitation and doubt, feeling more joy and pride. It's really awesome. Really.

An Tell Oh Pie Land

It seemed a bit extravagent to pay a day's admission for barely enough time to drive out to Antelope Island and back before the gate closed, but in the end it was priceless. It was beautiful, and eerie, and amazing. We were there in that moment of in-between, the twilight of everything - surrounded by water and fog and silence and wonder. My sister and I kept stopping and getting out, looking and feeling, experiencing this surreal span of time and road stretching across water. Unforgettable.

I didn't realize how much time had passed - I was surprised that the last post was just before I took the job that I've been at for the last seven months. A job I've been happy to have, that has brought me back into using the skills I prefer to use, that has introduced me to some kind and admirable people.

My sister's visit was in November, and I still have to send her the pictures. It isn't any faster than when I had to wait to get them developed when I finished the roll... This was a big event for me, since nobody from my family had come out west for maybe three years, and it had been nine or ten years since she herself had visited. I desperately wanted to share my new home, my new experiences. I hadn't realized how important it was until it was there, and it did me a lot of good. I hope the next visit doesn't take so long.

I have felt lately that I am entering a new phase of life. I find myself wanting to be free of the things I have held onto for so long. After the last move, into my new apartment, I began to feel less attached to the old things, and I started to feel like it was time to move on. I want to create a new environment for myself, one that is more future-oriented, relaxing, and inspiring. It's not something that I'm used to feeling, or that I know how to execute properly - somehow getting rid of things seems like the most complicated process: I try selling something online and nobody shows up to get it. I have to save things off my old computer before I can give it away. I need to pack up books to get them to neices and nephews. As you can see, this is not moving along as quickly as my impatient self wants it to, because it isn't on my calendar. I need a better plan. I'll do it later.

One more thing that is on my mind lately: the fact that it is looking very much like I will not be heading down that well-worn path to motherhood and everything that goes with it. I have developed a curiosity about the alternatives: what makes life worth living when you don't have children to be concerned about, can the bond with a child that isn't one's own be equivalent, is there something that I can offer the world that will be valued despite my childlessness? Because it seems that way sometimes, like as a woman you are something strange if you do not have children, if you have not at least tried to have one, if you don't want to have them. Though there must be a lot of childless women, they aren't getting a lot of attention.

I think I am looking for a path made by those who have gone before. A path like that narrow strip of road stretching across the water - leading through fog and wonder into the future.

No Wagons in the Corn Mase

Yeah, that's not a play on words - that's a direct quote from a picture my sister sent me. There's something about it - I just had to use it for a title of something. It's so visual. And blatantly misspelled. It's perfect.

So I'm a bit queasy right now, because I've just recently (what, fifteen minutes ago?) had The Call from the potential employer. The one where they say we'd like to make an offer when can you start and here's the amount - and I have to ask if I can get it in writing, and think about it for a day or so. Turns out they need to have me fill out an official application form and maybe do a background check before they can get the offer in writing from HR. And even though I think this will be a cool job and I'm pretty happy about it, I can't get truly excited until I have that baby in writing. It's not like with the very small companies, where they tell you the offer and it's right then and there official. There is a process to the whole thing, and you have to go through all the steps to get stamped with approval.

Aside from all that, this is pretty close to what I've been hoping to get. This is the reason I moved. This is the justification for all the hoping, taking chances, and holding out even though my family and friends are going nuts thinking that I'm going to go broke or whatever. Oh, yeah. This is what I've all been waiting for. Think about it: group medical and dental, paid vacation, direct deposit... and I haven't even gone broke to get it. Granted, I do owe my boyfriend about a hundred dinners and a few concerts, and a couple of lunches and beers will be going out to my roommate, and I am generally obligated to be really generous now to just about everyone, but by golly I CAN be, now.

And Blogger saves my drafts automatically now! When did that happen? Sweet! Life is good!

Why I Like People Today:
Because they're so predictable. Really, now. Tell me you aren't predictable. The guy that lies will predicatably lie. The one that huffs and puffs and says he can't take it, will take it like he always does and try to make it better in his own way. The girl who procrastinates will always come through in the end. The one who worries will do so no matter how well things are going. This is how people are, and this is what makes us feel like we are powerful: we can predict the reactions of our friends and relatives. We are god-like.

You know you want to be god-like. Just admit it.

Embracing The Lack?

Why I like people today:
Oh, why not? Yeah, everybody has issues, and they get themselves all tied up in knots about things that don't matter every once in a while. And sometimes they go nuts and get obsessed and forget that other people have lives to live, too. But so what? Most of them mean well. Most of us try hard, even if we're a bit confused about what it is we're trying to acheive. We do much better when we know what we want. Do you know what you want?

What I want
So I was doing the self-knowledge thing again, and not peeking at my old answers. I found myself thinking about what my goal in life is, and how much it has changed in the last couple of years. In the last year, mostly. I think my focus has gone from seeking some kind of security, something safe and reliable and protected, to something with a bit more risk and freedom. I'm letting go of the very deep desire to have the life I was brought up to live, and I'm finding new ways to experience life, to embrace the lack of husband kids career soccer school plays vacations birthday parties unconditional love...

Okay, so I'm not completely letting go, just trying to acccept that this is not my life. And the thing is, I'm not really all that unhappy the way I am. The last couple of months have been quite thrilling, and even with the rough spots I wouldn't trade them. My sister and my brother have that other stuff. I have this. I have a future that I can make up in any way I want to. Nothing planned. Nothing determined. How scary is that? But how exciting!


Scanned in some old photos the other day - stuff from around '85 or '86. So here's a Spring photo to celebrate the season, and all the tulips and dandelions that come with it.

I've started to actually apply at places where I really want to work. How fun to go to an interview and be able to just be excited about working again. If I don't get it, there's always the local ice cream parlor...

You Kneek Profession

Oh, why does it ask for a title when I haven't even started writing?

Why I Like People Today:
Because love makes the world go 'round, baby. I don't really know why this popped into my head, because I'm actually having some big issues about the love thing and what it makes us do, but it certainly does keep things moving along. And it seems to move fairly quickly in the Mormon world. While one part of me screeches at this, the other part sits back and says, well, why not? Is it any easier when we are older? No. Are the chances better if we wait a very long time? Not really. Better to jump in knowing you need to figure it out, and then do it.

Sometimes you learn by doing - like this blog, and the clever way I just saved the first part before continuing. I'm on that laptop with the freezing problem, using that wireless card that seems to cause the frozen state. But what I'm trying to say is that you can't be sure about anything. Oh, yeah, isn't that clever? Not.

Let's start over.

So really I'm trying to figure out this whole life thing, like why someone would see it as such a problem that he would end his own life. I started to write "take his own life" and it didn't sound right. It isn't a taking, it's a stopping. It's deciding to end the game before it's over. I don't get it, because I think I have a lot of playing left, and I expect it to get really hairy. And when it gets that way, I'll be singing to myself the old Depeche Mode refrain: "It all seems so stupid, it makes me want to give up, but why should I give up when it all seems so stupid?"

I think I'm starting to accept the fact that my life will not be what I thought it would be. I'm also thinking that my career will be something I never imagined as well. I'm starting to think that I just might be happier with some kind of bizarre work schedule, something that takes me to places I didn't plan on visiting and introduces me to people I never imagined meeting. Somehow this feels like life, and it sounds like fun. Now I need to figure out how to get there, while becoming rich. Oh, yes, I haven't given up on my high school dream of finding a unique profession and becoming rich. It's just taking a lot longer to get there.

By the way, I am mostly loving Salt Lake City. Last night I saw yet another free concert - The Creation performed in a cathedral. Really, how can you beat that? The resources here are great - now if I could just make some friends...

Star Tin Gover

I should know better.

I should have saved it when I got that third or fourth paragraph written, but of course I didn't. So now we have a Starting Over entry with a dual meaning: not only am I entering a new phase of my life, but I have to re-type this entry because my computer froze up in the middle of the previous version. The old version is gone - blown to smithereens. Starting over.

Why I Like People Today:
In the previous version, I was a bit hesitant at first - the day had been a fairly solitary one, and I was reaching for something to say. Since that time, my housemate came home, my boyfriend called, and generally things feel more social. So today I like people because they make things better. They just do. The BF was glad that I rolled the garbage bins out to the curb, the housemate ran the dishwasher and my water cup was clean when I was thirsty. It's just nice when we don't have to do everything by ourselves.

Just a sec here while I save this.

Starting Over
You know how some people say they want to leave but never do? Well, I'm not one of them. I made the move. No more small Colorado town - I'm in the big city now! So maybe the medium-sized city, but we're talking interstates and shopping malls and six different libraries on one card - a big step up from two-lane highways and a Sears that only carried appliances. I may be exaggerating a bit here, but this is the land of choices. Choices! I can actually take my business elsewhere if I don't like what I see. Just like I can make the big move when I'm ready to go.

The process of packing and moving has given me a more intimate view of all of my possessions, and my deep-seated desires to cling to things that I don't need. Probably the best thing to come out of this move (and I've only been here a week!) is this new perspecive on Things. I find myself being able to detach a bit easier with each box I open, trying to find space for its contents. The fact that there just isn't space for it all lends itself to an automatic ranking system that I wasn't aware of.

Even in the early packing stages, I found myself protecting certain items more than others, wanting to make sure these few things made it through the move safely. The rest, in all truthfulness, was really just a bunch of stuff I had that I could live without. Yes, I still brought most of it with me, but I'm not so desperate to hold onto it anymore, and it starts to feel like freedom when I let things go. You should try it.

In celebration of my arrival, the weather has been unbelievably warm, and I have been treated to some beautiful views of the moutains as I ran errands and opened accounts. Today I got out the bike, pumped up the tires, and went for a ride. I went the wrong way, of course, finding myself on a major road with no bike lane, crossing the on and off ramps for I-80. Luckily, it wasn't far to the park and I was soon safely in the bike/pedestrian lane circling the green spaces and the mostly dried-up lake. I took the proper route on the way home, over the interstate with the dubious protection of a bike lane. Not the most exciting ride, but the first of the year, and a good precedent. Now that I know where to go, I have no excuses...