Sir Chistory: Guest Post

 Welcome to the future!

 Here is an old draft post that I found digitally lying around - looks like it's from July 2014 - coming up on a decade since I've delved into this. It's a nice little snapshot of a time long gone, before divorce, untimely deaths, and pandemic changed everything. 

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~~~~time~~travel~~~~

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Tally ho! Sir Chistory here, with more amazing discoveries from the World Wide Web.

Coconut oil for cuts and scrapes: When you are wounded and looking for Neosporin and can't find it, and someone says that coconut oil is good for cuts, you look it up. Because you don't believe it is quite the antibiotic you were looking for. It's supposed to help with healing things up nice, though. Once you kill the germs that were in the dirt that got into your wound.

First chicken eggs small: Because the first one we found in the straw of our nesting box area was small, maybe less than two inches long. Not that it wasn't incredibly exciting to get our first egg ever. Just checking to see if it was normal. It is.

Kids games for mobile sites: When they want to play a game on your phone and all you have are word games, a world geography test, and a tool to help you learn Morse Code, it's time to look for something that will work on a mobile site but doesn't require downloading an app. Didn't have much luck. Seems you need Flash or a larger pad-type device to get the games to look right and respond to you.

Nacho Libre: Because there were younger kids in the room and I wanted to make sure it wasn't rated R. Yes, I'm the no-fun aunt.

Merry Go Round of Addiction: Looked this up because it was one of the only terms I remembered from the Al-Anon literature I got from a friend many years ago. Someone in my life is involved with an addict and I was hoping to find something to help her understand how it all works. This kind of stuff helped me understand how my father's drinking affected my whole family.

Homocysteine: This was mentioned on the Folic Acid bottle. Apparently this mean old amino acid shows up in the blood when you have bad things like heart disease. Apparently if you monitor the levels of homocysteine and take things like Folic Acid with B vitamins to help it get converted into good things, you are more likely to be healthy in several ways. But since nobody can make money selling a fancy medicine to help with it, it doesn't get much press.

Written Kitten: It's actually Written? Kitten! and I wanted to see if it would work on my mobile phone. Unfortunately, I didn't see a kitten after I put in 100 fake words to test it. And I can't cut and paste from the page.

Pistachio Nut Shell Floor: Who wouldn't want a floor made of these smooth, almond-colored shells? It would be like getting a massage with every step. But nobody makes such a floor. Yet. :)

Kickstarter Recipe: Trying to find out why the world would pay thousands of dollars for a guy to make potato salad. Still baffled.

2048 score for win: While waiting for a concert to start, my friend introduced me to this evil time-sucking game. While my scores were still in the six thousand range, I decided to check to see how high they would have to get to be close to winning. I'm up to 15,900 now. No wins.

Fake egg for laying hens: When my mother was young, they would put a china egg in the nesting boxes to encourage the hens to lay - maybe. She doesn't remember the details. Other people do this with eggs made of various materials. By the way, you don't need this. The eggs come anyway.

State of Fear Crichton: I wanted to see if other people felt the same way about this book. They do. They don't love it. I'm sort of reading as an example of "how not to do it". But it gave me some stuff to talk about when I met a guy who had spent time in Antarctica. Whatever.

With what I most enjoy contented least: Someone must have mentioned this quotation, but I have no idea what the context was. It just sounds depressing now.

Sir Chistory Returns

I know it's a cheap excuse for writing, but I'm fascinated by my own curiosity.

Click OK to clear the following searches from history:

The Country Girl, Save the Tiger
Movies mentioned in a lunch-time quiz. Someone in them won an Oscar, and I'd never heard of them. Might be worth a try.


What you want the most
Looking for motivation here, and I found a couple of good ones. Got me all psyched up for the day. For doing things like writing in my blog and such. Aren't you thrilled and grateful?

Orange Juliis
Okay, so I spelled it wrong. That's the magic of the Internet search. You don't have to be right to get the recipe for your friend when she wants to make something like a drink she used to get at the mall.

Annoy a Tron Sound Module
This is for my ground-breaking new product that I can't tell you about yet. I was looking for a way to have random sounds come from a thing. I remembered that someone I worked with brought in a fun annoying toy that would make noises now and then, driving the victim crazy as they tried to find the source. This was after the search that got the name of the thing. I also found that sound modules are used for model train sounds.

Symbionese Liberation Army
Because Patty Hearst got involved with them. I have no idea how I got to that bit of information, but I had to look up this oddly named group. The name comes from symbiosis and it was formed by a guy who escaped from prison and somehow got a group together who thought it was okay to kill and kidnap people.

Davit
Yes, this is a valid word in WordFeud. It's a thing that lifts and lowers those lifeboats.

Tura Lura Lura
I wasn't sure how to spell it, but I wanted to hear this lullaby my mom used to sing. I found some YouTube videos and lyrics and all that.

Olympians Without a Country
Someone mentioned this at work and I got curious. I guess if something goes wrong with the IOC in their country, athletes can compete under the Olympic flag. Who knew? The other Olympics-related search was Macedonia after Brazil. This alphabetical order mystery came from the opening ceremonies. Turns out Macedonia is Bulgaria.

Free Tire Air Pump
We really needed air, and just for kicks, I thought I'd see if we could save a buck. The magical site freeairpump.com helped us find a place just down the road.

Feed a Cold
Because sometimes you can't remember: is it feed a cold or feed a fever? Can I justify eating a bunch of junk food when I'm sick, or am I supposed to be starving myself and only eating broth and water?

Sir Chistory

Every now and then, one must do some cleaning up. De-cluttering. Removing the trail.

Yes, it is time to clear the Search History.

Heat Miser
Because the Christmas special "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was starting, and I had to see if it was the one with the Heat Miser. Which it wasn't. It's the one with the Burger Meister Meisterburger. The Heat Miser is in "The Year Without a Santa Claus", only the best Christmas special ever.

Container for Ice Melt
Because Mom suggested carrying some in the car, and it comes in a large plastic bag. I was interested in having a container that would not be eaten through by the mysterious salty stuff. I did find someone who made a shaker out of a plastic coffee can, but not much else. They had to use a second lid because the holes were too small in the first one and it cracked. Thrilling stuff.

Homemade Ice Cream
Now, here I was looking for a way to make ice cream in my own freezer. I found a nice description of a method using a small plastic bag inside a large one and doing a lot of shaking. This, or another one of those plastic coffee cans seems to be the way to go. But I need half-and-half. This is a one-of -these-days project. There were some nice suggestions for flavors that I want to try.

Tzatziki Sauce
I made some of this a while ago and I have some falafil in the fridge, so I was trying to remember what the main ingredient was. Was it sour cream? No, it's plain yogurt. That makes more sense. Unfortunately, I don't have fresh yogurt in the fridge, even though I did get a cucumber. Maybe tomorrow.

Walking Tall
Because I caught the last half of it and then it started again on TV. The first part seemed so different from the last half. I looked it up to see the story summaries. One was a description of the first part, and the other included the bits I'd already seen. I recommend the second half.

Need a Tutorial
I was sort of hoping someone would need a tutorial that sounded like I could make it for them.

Techniques By Day
This was a keyboard-swipe misinterpretation of "temperatures by day". I wanted to find the date of a cold snap early in the year for some reason. I knew it was in February.

Turkey Casserole with Green Chiles
I have a lot of turkey left over from Thanksgiving, and I got a can of green chiles at the new natural foods store near the library. I love a good green chile with turkey, so... But all of the recipes were for something like enchiladas, completely southwesty. Not casseroley. I ended up with turkey, green chiles, peas, egg noodles, onion, celery, cheddar cheese and spinach. Ugly stuff I would never serve to anyone else.

Guy Burt
I looked this guy up because I watched Bletchley Circle on Netflix. I liked it a lot, and I was hoping for more like it. Didn't find more awesome shows about smart women after the war.

Alamo
My sister used this as a word in Word Feud. I was looking for a non-proper use of alamo as a word. I didn't find one. How did she get away with this?

Telling Weather with Leeches
I was reading a book - okay, listening to it - and they mentioned this fascinating thing about a guy who had a system of leeches that would ring bells in case of a storm. You can't read about that without looking it up. It's for real. I so so want to try this some day.

Econoheat Square
Okay, so I was looking up how to warm up a claw-foot tub to see if there were any clever ideas out there. Someone suggested these things. It's like a square you hang on the wall or something. Or put under your tub.

Candy Crush Ruining Relationships
Maybe I was just a little annoyed at someone... I learned quite a bit about this fascinating game that I've never played. How it trolls people along with little nibbles of wins and then makes it impossible for a while so they get frustrated and buy stuff to win, even though the patient ones will win eventually anyway. What they are buying is still beyond me. A game isn't a game if you can buy your way through it.

The Difference is Mink
This phrase was driving me nuts for a couple of days. I must have heard "the difference is..." somewhere, and my brain filled in the end of it. I knew it was from an old advertisement, but I couldn't think what the product was. Turns out it was Mink Difference hair products. Awesome marketing. It must have been 30 years ago.

Bored yet?

Amps Watts Volts
To get the formula so I could figure out if a heater would be too much for the circuit.

Damon and Pithius
This was mentioned and I had to look it up because I had never heard of this pair. It's from Greek mythology. The name is Pythias. They were friends and Pythias was sentenced to death. Damon took his place while he went home to settle his affairs. When he didn't come back, Damon's neck was on the line. Pythias made it back at the last second, claiming he was delayed by pirates. The guy who was going to kill him was so impressed with this friendship that he let them both live. Quite the story. I think Pythias was lying.

People Flying in Squirrel Suits
Umm... somebody said something about this, and I was curious. What the heck is a squirrel suit? I guess it's a company that makes "wingsuits". Skydiving stuff.

Basel FC
We were looking up the soccer teams on the TV during the break in the pub quiz, to see where they were from. These guys are Swiss.

Former US Colony in Africa
This is from the quiz. It's Liberia. Since then, I have been able to remember where Liberia is, because now I know this bit of detail about it.

As much as I'm enjoying this, I need to end it somewhere. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed, but there is more.

For another day.

Hopeless - ?

I have no idea what it means.

I mean, I know what the word means, but why is it on this billboard? Was I meant to see it? What am I supposed to do with it? How many other people are looking at it and wondering? I can only imagine that there is more to come - I hope so. Ha.

Well, it did this. Got me to write something. So clearly I am the opposite of hopeless.

Today I tried to get photos off my new phone for the first time. I tried a couple of different things, and ended up with a few folders of pictures I could have sworn I deleted. Finally, I triggered the automatic download thingy and suddenly there were 2500 photos being transferred to my computer.

Yes, it is a new phone. But that SD card has been with me for oh, about three years. And I saw my life passing before my eyes. Literally. I was seeing pictures of my husband, fireworks, mountains, pumpkins, lakes, the kids, snow, sci-fi geeks, horses, the garden... flashing by in a fascinating representation of my life and the things I focus on.

 Nothing is more interesting than your own life. I wanted to write it down but I couldn't stop watching this speedy film-strip of moments that made me smile. The garden growing from nothing to a jungle, my husband changing from a truck-driver to a rancher. Kids growing up, seasons changing, I knew it was fast, but this was even faster.

And there are so many varied things, all tossed together in the mix, all flickering by as part of a whole that is somehow made complete by the way it is never the same.

How many moments in there might have felt hopeless? I don't remember. I didn't take pictures of them.

But here's what I do remember: that feeling doesn't last. Things keep changing, and as long as they do, there is always a chance for hope.

Digital Immortality or Bust!

Ugh. That title is awful.

But here I am, struggling with the knowledge that if I died today, half of who I am would be obliterated - by neglect or by expiration, by a kid needing a computer, by nobody else being aware of who I am online. I have become: a patient and encouraging adviser on Yahoo! Answers, an overwhelmed yet courageous step-mom on a stepmothers' site, and a blogger who struggles to understand motivation. A virtual life that will just disappear, perhaps staying suspended in time for a while as long as the memory is available for old posts and accounts aren't updated.

That's not even going into all the files on my computer that someone would blow away without reading any of it. All of those things I consider precious and important - most likely treated like clutter and trash.

Thus the quest for digital immortality. The need to plant a flag that says "I was here!" And put neon signs on that flag so my husband can find it.

I've recently learned about the "digital  executor". This is the person who is saddled with the responsibility of handling the digital accounts and assets of a deceased person. Closing out e-mail and Facebook accounts, making sure the right people are notified of your demise, making sure your data and passwords get into the right hands. This is a fascinating topic to me, a dramatic change in how we view assets and inheritance. You might inherit a flash drive and a password instead of a business and a bank account. How bizarre is that?

What will happen to all of my pictures, videos, novels, notes, and songs? How do I even start to define what gets saved and what gets lost? Who will ever care?

Who will ever care?

Goodbye, DVR

Goodbye, DVR.
Goodbye, Blue Crush and The Lorax and Repo Men and Classical Stretch.
Goodbye, Bachelor, Suburgatory, Modern Family...
Goodbye to all the shows I have been inexplicably drawn to: Say Yes to the Dress, Cheaters, Hoarders, and all those Lifetime movies.

Hello, moment of panic.

Hello, facing reality.
Hello, future.

Hello, getting what I really want.

For years, I have been filling these notebooks with thoughts, dreams, poems and songs, comments, lists, self-analysis, complaints, and stories.

It's time to do more.

It's time to risk.    I don't want to risk; I like safety and security and control. But I want what could happen if I do this. I want the dream. I'll take a partial half-dream over no dream. Whatever I can get. My guts are telling me to GO.

So, goodbye distractions. Hello me.

A Compendium of Me

Out by the river there is a big old tree with a big old rope hanging from it. The river is not close enough to swing out to it this time of year. You can see where the water ran through the area in the spring and summer, making channels and feeding the Russian olives. These places were almost impossible to reach in the fall, weeds growing wild and thick.

The winter has been so mild that I can visit them now. Much of the river is iced over, but water still flows beneath. I found the place where it emerges and studied the edges of ice. It was nice to explore, wonderful to have good weather for it.

So boring for you, but priceless to me.

Here are the things on my mind:

Blood types:

Recently my husband was reading something about tailoring your diet to match your blood type. We learned something: I don't know my blood type and I have no medical records telling me what it is. Given that I'm not sick too often, I was able to look through just about everything.

Seems like someone should have told me somewhere along the way. I can only assume that I have one of the most common types or it would have been brought to my attention. But it makes me wonder. Am I supposed to know this? Does everyone else know their blood type like they know their phone number?

I'm pretty sure finding out involves needles and my sneaky hidden veins, so this one is going on the back burner for now. Maybe I'll ask about it at my annual checkup.

Job change:

When he isn't reading about interesting food/body connections, Hubby is mostly working. He recently moved into a position he has been wanting to try out for quite a while. Something that is possibly safer than driving trucks at night on muddy roads near cliffs. Something that lets him use more of his fabulous brains and awesome voice. I'm so proud and happy for him. :)

Procrastination:

Lately, I've been putting off much more important things than usual. Procrastination is still just a hobby for me, it doesn't pay enough to claim on my taxes. But it's like a natural talent, I'm so good at it. It's quite possible I've developed it into an art form.

Like I said, I've expanded into greater, life-changing procrastinations. Tonight I am putting off contacting a potential novel reader - once again. This will keep me from ever reaching my goal of being a published novelist. I'm sure there is some subconscious reason for it, some fear of success, maybe. Ha. Ha ha. Eek.

Identity:

And then we come to the last topic of the day. Specifically, my identity. Or rather, my identity online. Hearing that folks are Googling new authors while they consider their work for publication got me interested in creating a central information point for all things me. A melting pot of me-ness. A me compendium. But here is the problem: who am I? How do you look professional while also looking like you are a mish-mash of random interests and experiences?

There must be a way. I need to think about it.

I Ham What I Ham

Oh, I forgot what I was going to write about.

I really did have an idea, then I saw that November post and it distracted me.

Now I'm totally distracted trying to find a picture I want to make into a poster.

It was on the backup of Laptop 1 which was in a folder on Desktop 2 and I had to get it through the network onto Laptop 2. I'm calling it Desktop 2 because it is the second desktop computer I ever owned, sadly becoming obselete in a world of gigaRAM and tablets. Laptop 1 still powers up, but it doesn't have the guts that got spewed into the backup. In fact, it was a backup that did it in. Sad story, and it has never quite been the same. Heavy son of a gun. Lasted some 7 years as top dog laptop before I forked over somewhat less money for something that makes it cry in a lonely corner.

Cross that one off the list. Image file ready for printing. Another dream about to be realized.

Now if I could just remember what I was going to spout off on here. Was I going to say I am now a Ham? (Do a little giddy geek dance here to capture the feeling.)

Was I going to say how proud I am of myself? (Smile uncontrollably here.)

How glad I am to see the sun? How surprised I am at the number of photos I have hidden away in boxes? How hard it is to come up with things to write about?

What I want to do is this: start a blog called How I Became a Ham. The thing about it is, it won't be about studying about repeaters and FCC regulations and ohms and amperes. It will be about me, any little old thing about me that led up to this day in my life. Because I'm sure it all was needed to make me become a Ham. It's incredibly selfish and interesting, because I've led an interesting life. Not a sordid one. Not too sordid. Not most of it.

And it would feed into my need to be known. To be shared. Like a network folder between my computers. Only you would be the laptop grabbing information from me, the desktop. And I would be creating files for you to grab. You wouldn't know what was next. Or rather, what had already happened. Before. Before I became. A Ham.

Awesome. I'm sure nobody will see it, just like this one.

Here Goes Nothin'

November. The month of putting away Halloween and trying not to hear the Christmas music in the stores...
But what it really means to me is... National Novel Writing Month.




But this year something happened. I was so unaware that it was already a week into the month before I saw an e-mail about write-ins and realized that I had missed the starting gunshot (the starting paper-scratch?). I'd missed thousands of words already. How sad. How hopeless to catch up. How I longed for the days when I was a part of it.

But... so... now what? Now, I am forcing myself to blog. But see? Without the deadline, my word count flounders. I pause, I get up to do other things. I feel... useless. Wordless. Non-fiction.

Ahhh, I give up. Maybe there's a good movie playing somewhere.

Foe Toes

Weekend at the house:

I wanted to take pictures of the Perseids (meteor shower), but the moon is up full all night these days and there were clouds moving in. I settled for some long-exposure shots of the place.

The brighter reddish glow is from the unpredictable light on the garage. We thought it might be a motion sensor but it seems to just be random. I couldn't control whether it came on during a shot or not. The moon was up and partly behind trees for most of the time I was out, so it lent a less direct light.





The house.












A pump out by the irrigation ditch. It's dark, but I like the hard metals against the soft sky lit by the moon.













Weather vane - a few stars visible here.




















The tree when the garage light is on. The sky is not really blue here, it is just the moonlight and city lights over a long exposure.















Citronella candle: the flame is the only thing that was moving during the shot.












This one has an almost painting-like quality because of the saturation of the light.

One of my favorites: the Big Dipper just over the tree. The garage light was off for most of this one.

Me. Sitting very still.

Saddest Web Site Ever

I'm trying to remember how I got there from a job search, something about writing got me started on autobiography sites, a little of this, a little of that, and I find myself at imissmydad.com. Two minutes later, the Facebook link draws me in and the tears start falling. So many people grieving, so fresh the memories.

These people are writing about their dads who died three weeks ago, one year ago. How hard would it have been to write about it then? For me, I've passed the twenty-year mark. Passed the first birthday when I didn't think of him, passed the anniversary when I didn't need to talk to someone about it. I get so that I think it is so far in the past, that it doesn't affect me. I joke about not having to get Father's Day cards. And then...

Then someone talks about their father, about their loss. About how they don't keep pictures up because it is too hard to see them. And then I realize that I don't keep pictures around, that even thinking about that picture, that last one of him and mom, sends me to a crying place. My dorky-looking dad with the tri-focals who was my touchstone in a world of change.

Something like that. I could talk to him. He understood me. He was a geek like me. I felt very alone for the longest time after I lost him. When I have something to share, I think of him.

When I think I might not do something because it is inconvenient, I think of him. And then I try my best to be brave, to do it - because life really is short, and if you wait, you might not have time. And when someone tries to tell me that work is so important and being busy is good, I think of him. Of him being with us, not at work, when it came down to it. Of him being with us so many times throughout our lives, of feeling loved and special.

Do I make him sound perfect? He wasn't. He was an alcoholic who drank himself to sleep and felt awfully sorry for himself. Our home was on the stressed-out side of things, and I reacted by finding my quiet places to read and do puzzles. He was a great dad, a fun person, an easy-going dude, genuinely well-liked at work - with coping problems and an addiction he'd had since high school.

Yes, we had an intervention. No, it didn't last. Yes, we felt loved anyway.

Okay, enough of the sadness for today. I just wanted to say

I miss my dad, too.

Ask and you shall receive...

Remember that thing I said about extra time?

I was talking with my friend the other day about this Law of Attraction stuff: she said that part of it is journaling as if you are experiencing a positive outcome to whatever is going on. I found this very interesting, since my journaling usually consists of a long list of everything that is going wrong. My philosophy was that this way I was spilling it all out onto paper and I could then let it go and move on. Could the opposite really work?

So I gave it a shot, not so sure that I could keep the pen moving with positive things when it was so used to being powered by negative energy. I started slow, finding that the argument I had just had with my husband was the perfect test. The trickiest part of this is that you are really supposed to believe the positive stuff, so it can't be too crazy. I imagined a scene where our problems were resolved in a realistic way and I wrote it down. Then I wrote a clever inner dialogue where I argued the merits of this method - technically, this probably should cancel out the earnestness of my effort, but these things happen in my journal.

While it wasn't perfect and I can't say it followed my scene like a script, the reality of what happened with my husband later pretty much followed the spirit of the journaling. Is it coincidence? Is it the law of attraction? Is it the fact that I chose a pretty decent husband? Maybe all three. But one thing I know is that I was more open to a positive interaction and less defensive and argumentative, and that in itself will keep things from going bad. Take from it what you like.

So if this really works, and I was writing about wishing I had more time... did I Law of Attraction myself out of a job? Look, extra time I wasn't expecting.

Yes, I got the boot. The swift and sudden didn't-see-it-coming boot that escorts you out of the building and leaves you in shock. So I attracted myself into unemployment, scrambling to put together a description of what I had been working on over the last three and a half years. Feeling the lowest I have in a long long time. I would not wish this on anyone. I was in my supervisor's office with the HR lady and all I could think of was Up in the Air (- the movie. See it if you haven't.) She actually told me that this could be a good thing, a chance to move on to something else. Woohoo! Thanks for that.

By the way, you can't just get over the shock and awe by getting your resume together and starting to find job listings. Tried it. Pulled out the old job search stuff, updated online accounts, added my new skills to the resume... and found myself crying in the car on the way home from the store.

I found a little perspective when my sister called to say that her husband has a large mass growing on his kidney. Perspective, but not confidence.

Was it me? Was it the economy and a budget that wouldn't budge? Was it fate? Is it really an opportunity to make a change for the better? That would be nice. I honestly hope so. I feel like I'm living on a fine line - a couple of months will make or break us financially. I'd better get started on that journaling.

No Present Like Time

Wouldn't it be nice if we could get little Time presents for Christmas...

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=============== GIFT OF TIME ===============

This coupon good for two free hours of sleep time in the
morning after a crappy night of tossing and turning,
headaches, or feeling sick. Get to work on time!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=============== GIFT OF TIME ===============

This coupon good for six free hours of reading time to
catch up on a book club novel, read that business-related

non-fiction book, or read the entire Sunday paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=============== GIFT OF TIME ===============

This coupon good for three free hours of phone calls and

driving time to do business during business hours when

you would normally be busy at work yourself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find that I get more things done in "extra time" that I wasn't planning on having. Something gets cancelled, someone gets delayed, and I find myself feeling free to do the things that I haven't had time for. I'm not saying I really truly actually don't have the time to do these things, I just don't do them in the normal course of things. Not until I get that magical "free" time.

Sew?

Six months. Wow.

Ready for this? I'm watching a show on RVs on cable TV.

Cable? Me? Who would've guessed? Not the only thing I didn't see coming. Cell phones for the kids, a new "smart phone" for me, a new car, a Wii, golf clubs, teen pregnancy, teen depression, teen court dates... my mother has some kind of leukemia, my sister asked me to co-sign for a loan for her schooling. I've joined a book club and an Artist's Way group, trying to give myself some regularly scheduled events that put doing things I like to do on my priority list.

Quite frankly, I'm enjoying seeing the things people have done to their RVs. It looks fun and free and like a way to meet a lot of really interesting people. I hope my future holds some of that. If I ended up alone, a little teardrop would work, but with a crowd, the fire-engine base looks promising.

Parenting

Probably the hardest part has been watching the kids struggle to get along in a new place, dealing with new limits and a new lack of privacy. The older kids have flown the coop, not really ready to be adults but not willing to be children in an unfamiliar place - they have returned to their old haunting grounds and they don't want our guidance. We hope they have learned enough to keep out of more trouble until they gain some maturity. The younger ones want to be little adults as well, but we are trying hard to insert parenting into their world, to teach them the things they need to know, trying hard to not push them away with too many rules at once. When they are getting F's you can't expect A's right away, so we are asking for C's and they seem to be okay with that. They are all capable of more than that. They are interesting and creative and crude and bold. Their friends tell them parents don't care and we have to keep telling them that we care, that we love them, that they are important. We have to teach them that they need to learn from their mistakes, that it doesn't make them unlovable or unworthy. My heart aches for them.

Wishing

Their mom still talks about taking them away to some other state. This makes part of me afraid to get close to them, because it will tear me apart if they go... I'm getting closer anyway, because they need as much love and understanding as they can get. I hope they stay.

Money

I go between feeling okay and feeling desperate about the money things. I know we're not going to starve anytime soon, but having the kids around and wanting things to be convenient takes more money than I plan on spending. I'm still surprised at how much we spend every month, but I can't really say that anything was a horrible waste of money. It's hard to get in there and make sure that something gets moved into savings from time to time. His car has been one of the worst money-suckers, making me so afraid of getting a bad used car that I went ahead and got a new car, something I had claimed I would never do. Aaargh!! He doesn't feel the anxiety of knowing that our savings won't take us longer than about a month and a half if we both lose our jobs. Okay, so maybe it won't happen, but last year it wasn't so remote a possibility - both of our companies were making drastic cuts, and I'm not ready to say it won't happen again. Yes, the cell phones are an expense, but they do two things we couldn't do without them: it gives the kids something of their own that they can be in control of and feel some freedom at the same time, and it gives us something to use for making pretty clear rules about grades and behavior. If it works, it will be priceless.

Formatting

Someone broke the formatting. Thanks for making me edit the HTML.

Starting to feel the Mrs.

So this is the bouquet: You go to the flower place and there are all these different kinds of flowers and as you stand there looking around you know that there are some you really don't like and some you really do like. Your wedding coordinator picks up big bunches of things you like and holds them together like they are a giant bouquet. You realize that lilies don't play well with others. You pick a few things, she picks some fillers. You have no idea what it will really look like. You watch her cut a big chunk out of the fabric from your wedding dress - the train you had shortened. On your wedding day, you see the final product, and realize that real flowers are really kind of heavy. You carry it around and sometimes smell it, and you don't even notice much about it because it is just right.

I have very few pictures that I actually took on my wedding day. This was with my cell phone, for my sister who couldn't be there. We have a mish-mash of blurry video, over-exposed photos, and very special hand-drawn pictures and notes that some people filled in on our personalized guest-book/scrapbook pages. It's awesome.

And I'm not kidding. There's something very... fitting? about these things not being perfect. That's the way our lives are. I love that his son called him a "horn-dog" and the two oldest ones said to buy them cars under Advice for the Newlyweds. I think it's amusing that we have a really good video of the back of my cousin's head. And some of the photos are actually pretty good - especially when you use Picasa's face finder and you can see all the expressions of each individual. I love the picture of all of our friends that are in the meetin.org group that was the reason we met. This great group of people who have very little in common but the guts to go out and do things with strangers. I love the memories of the sunny day that made outdoor pictures possible (and over-exposed), and the way we stayed until everyone was gone instead of taking off like you're supposed to.

I totally recommend hiring a wedding coordinator/decorator/caterer like I had. She made everything easier and did an amazing job - within our budget.

And I have the best husband ever! We left home today at the same time, going different directions starting at the expressway. Both of us got stopped at the intersection, he in the left turn lane and me waiting to make a right. I looked over at his car, wondering if he was looking at me. His window rolled down and he blew me a kiss!

Why I Like People Today:

Because despite the fall turning to winter, it feels like spring - love is in the air! Friends I've known for a couple of years of singlehood are pairing off and becoming un-singled. This is much different from the group where I lived before. The singleness in that group didn't change much, the outlook was less hopeful, there wasn't much movement toward new commitments. Granted that there weren't enough options in that town, but that's one of the reasons I had to leave. I feel like I am part of something positive and progressive and I feel the love. Yippee!!

Big Step -- (mom)

Hubby's home away from home

Wow.

That about sums it up. Eight days from now, I am getting married.

Never ever ever did I imagine it would be like this. 1) I didn't think I would ever be this happy with someone, or feel this lucky, or have this much hope for the future. 2) I didn't think my little sister would not be at my wedding, but she isn't well enough to make a cross-country trip. 3) I didn't think I would marry a man with lots of kids, but there they are, and I don't mind it as much as I should. 4) I didn't think I would feel such a strong willingness to commit myself to something outside of myself. It won't be easy or instantaneous, but I am there. 5) I didn't think I would be spending the month leading up to the wedding putting in extra hours at work to meet a deadline, afraid that saying the wrong thing might get me fired. 6) I didn't think a relationship could take the stress of him being out of town for 4 days at a time so he can earn enough to support those kids. But here I am. And we're really doing this. And I'm still excited about it. Hee hee.

One of the weirdest things for me is the name change. For years and years I knew that I would keep my name if I got married, or hyphenate if I had to. This was just the way it was. This was who I was. And now, suddenly, it isn't a big deal. I don't need to hang onto it. I want to be a part of this new thing, this marriage, and I'm okay with the new last name. Searching for any doubts, down to my core, I find nothing. Just... adventure - go for it! Try this new name thing. I'm astounded by this change that snuck up on me.

Why I Like People Today:
Because they make up games like Ghosting and put them on Jay Leno and I get to laugh at work when someone starts playing the clip. Because despite the pressure that management wants to put on us, a group of smart and creative people will find ways to have fun and push back.

By the way, I am still using this dinosaur of a laptop. With a little help from an IT friend, it is a brand new kind of old friend. The kind with no Internet browser history.

Air on the Side of Caution

So that phrase just caught my brain when I read it, more so than the other varied misspellings in the pseudo-medical article I was reading. Yes, I am trying to find information on my mysterious abdominal pain. The doctor route hasn't really led me anywhere except to a lot of dead ends and tests that turn out "perfect". The latest theory is muscle strain. I'm a firm believer in every latest theory until the tests tell me that I'm wrong, and Airing on the Side of Caution is my new motto.

I want to take a moment to mourn a tragic loss: I seem to have killed my laptop hard drive in a valiant attempt to back it up like a good computer owner. I think it was like exercising a heart that is already too far gone - the thing came back to life briefly, but couldn't hold it together. I secretly hope that I can find a way to salvage something that might have been really important, but then another part of me secretly says "well, this is what you get for waiting to back it up" and also adds "and really you will be fine without any of that stuff". And to my great surprise, I am tending to agree with the latter. I expected that I would be distraught when this happened. Maybe it will hit me later when I remember what I lost. Anyway, let's just take a moment to think about those fleeting bits and bytes that we use instead of biological memory, and how thrilled I was to get that heavy little laptop of joy.

The Good Kind of Change

So it's been a while. Yep, long months of change and progress. Moving into new things, new ideas. Old ideas that I'm starting to think about again. New forces pulling me in directions I need to go.

So here's a bridge, surely symbolic of the transitions that await me. Or maybe it's just a nice bridge that I wanted to take a picture of, so we stopped on the way back before we crossed it again. But even that means something. It means that my sweetheart likes me and doesn't mind pulling over to take pictures. Or to look at moose, which we did also on that trip - my first real live close-up moose experience! And no camera, because I didn't want to miss seeing them while I unzipped the bag and turned things on. It was cool.

It was also literally cool, because we were up in the mountains/hills and twenty degrees cooler than it was in town. Yes, it is surely summer. The hot kind.

So about those changes. The reason we have a picture of this bridge, which is way over by Flaming Gorge Dam, is that we were day-tripping out of Vernal, where my honey is learning to be a really good, money-making truck driver. We're seeing each other on the weekends now instead of every single day. I am happy to say that despite this, we are still moving forward with our relationship and none of my fears of tragic loneliness and disconnectedness have come to fruition.

Instead, I am finding myself thinking about things I didn't let myself think about for so long: marriage, houses, and all that. Future things. Hopeful things. And I've been taking small steps toward my other goals: I let my mom read my story during her visit, I've started the painting from my dream image, I've got Qt on my computer at home so I can build interfaces for personal programming projects. I'm crossing that bridge of hesitation and doubt, feeling more joy and pride. It's really awesome. Really.

An Tell Oh Pie Land

It seemed a bit extravagent to pay a day's admission for barely enough time to drive out to Antelope Island and back before the gate closed, but in the end it was priceless. It was beautiful, and eerie, and amazing. We were there in that moment of in-between, the twilight of everything - surrounded by water and fog and silence and wonder. My sister and I kept stopping and getting out, looking and feeling, experiencing this surreal span of time and road stretching across water. Unforgettable.

I didn't realize how much time had passed - I was surprised that the last post was just before I took the job that I've been at for the last seven months. A job I've been happy to have, that has brought me back into using the skills I prefer to use, that has introduced me to some kind and admirable people.

My sister's visit was in November, and I still have to send her the pictures. It isn't any faster than when I had to wait to get them developed when I finished the roll... This was a big event for me, since nobody from my family had come out west for maybe three years, and it had been nine or ten years since she herself had visited. I desperately wanted to share my new home, my new experiences. I hadn't realized how important it was until it was there, and it did me a lot of good. I hope the next visit doesn't take so long.

I have felt lately that I am entering a new phase of life. I find myself wanting to be free of the things I have held onto for so long. After the last move, into my new apartment, I began to feel less attached to the old things, and I started to feel like it was time to move on. I want to create a new environment for myself, one that is more future-oriented, relaxing, and inspiring. It's not something that I'm used to feeling, or that I know how to execute properly - somehow getting rid of things seems like the most complicated process: I try selling something online and nobody shows up to get it. I have to save things off my old computer before I can give it away. I need to pack up books to get them to neices and nephews. As you can see, this is not moving along as quickly as my impatient self wants it to, because it isn't on my calendar. I need a better plan. I'll do it later.

One more thing that is on my mind lately: the fact that it is looking very much like I will not be heading down that well-worn path to motherhood and everything that goes with it. I have developed a curiosity about the alternatives: what makes life worth living when you don't have children to be concerned about, can the bond with a child that isn't one's own be equivalent, is there something that I can offer the world that will be valued despite my childlessness? Because it seems that way sometimes, like as a woman you are something strange if you do not have children, if you have not at least tried to have one, if you don't want to have them. Though there must be a lot of childless women, they aren't getting a lot of attention.

I think I am looking for a path made by those who have gone before. A path like that narrow strip of road stretching across the water - leading through fog and wonder into the future.

No Wagons in the Corn Mase

Yeah, that's not a play on words - that's a direct quote from a picture my sister sent me. There's something about it - I just had to use it for a title of something. It's so visual. And blatantly misspelled. It's perfect.

So I'm a bit queasy right now, because I've just recently (what, fifteen minutes ago?) had The Call from the potential employer. The one where they say we'd like to make an offer when can you start and here's the amount - and I have to ask if I can get it in writing, and think about it for a day or so. Turns out they need to have me fill out an official application form and maybe do a background check before they can get the offer in writing from HR. And even though I think this will be a cool job and I'm pretty happy about it, I can't get truly excited until I have that baby in writing. It's not like with the very small companies, where they tell you the offer and it's right then and there official. There is a process to the whole thing, and you have to go through all the steps to get stamped with approval.

Aside from all that, this is pretty close to what I've been hoping to get. This is the reason I moved. This is the justification for all the hoping, taking chances, and holding out even though my family and friends are going nuts thinking that I'm going to go broke or whatever. Oh, yeah. This is what I've all been waiting for. Think about it: group medical and dental, paid vacation, direct deposit... and I haven't even gone broke to get it. Granted, I do owe my boyfriend about a hundred dinners and a few concerts, and a couple of lunches and beers will be going out to my roommate, and I am generally obligated to be really generous now to just about everyone, but by golly I CAN be, now.

And Blogger saves my drafts automatically now! When did that happen? Sweet! Life is good!

Why I Like People Today:
Because they're so predictable. Really, now. Tell me you aren't predictable. The guy that lies will predicatably lie. The one that huffs and puffs and says he can't take it, will take it like he always does and try to make it better in his own way. The girl who procrastinates will always come through in the end. The one who worries will do so no matter how well things are going. This is how people are, and this is what makes us feel like we are powerful: we can predict the reactions of our friends and relatives. We are god-like.

You know you want to be god-like. Just admit it.