Foe Toes

Weekend at the house:

I wanted to take pictures of the Perseids (meteor shower), but the moon is up full all night these days and there were clouds moving in. I settled for some long-exposure shots of the place.

The brighter reddish glow is from the unpredictable light on the garage. We thought it might be a motion sensor but it seems to just be random. I couldn't control whether it came on during a shot or not. The moon was up and partly behind trees for most of the time I was out, so it lent a less direct light.





The house.












A pump out by the irrigation ditch. It's dark, but I like the hard metals against the soft sky lit by the moon.













Weather vane - a few stars visible here.




















The tree when the garage light is on. The sky is not really blue here, it is just the moonlight and city lights over a long exposure.















Citronella candle: the flame is the only thing that was moving during the shot.












This one has an almost painting-like quality because of the saturation of the light.

One of my favorites: the Big Dipper just over the tree. The garage light was off for most of this one.

Me. Sitting very still.

Saddest Web Site Ever

I'm trying to remember how I got there from a job search, something about writing got me started on autobiography sites, a little of this, a little of that, and I find myself at imissmydad.com. Two minutes later, the Facebook link draws me in and the tears start falling. So many people grieving, so fresh the memories.

These people are writing about their dads who died three weeks ago, one year ago. How hard would it have been to write about it then? For me, I've passed the twenty-year mark. Passed the first birthday when I didn't think of him, passed the anniversary when I didn't need to talk to someone about it. I get so that I think it is so far in the past, that it doesn't affect me. I joke about not having to get Father's Day cards. And then...

Then someone talks about their father, about their loss. About how they don't keep pictures up because it is too hard to see them. And then I realize that I don't keep pictures around, that even thinking about that picture, that last one of him and mom, sends me to a crying place. My dorky-looking dad with the tri-focals who was my touchstone in a world of change.

Something like that. I could talk to him. He understood me. He was a geek like me. I felt very alone for the longest time after I lost him. When I have something to share, I think of him.

When I think I might not do something because it is inconvenient, I think of him. And then I try my best to be brave, to do it - because life really is short, and if you wait, you might not have time. And when someone tries to tell me that work is so important and being busy is good, I think of him. Of him being with us, not at work, when it came down to it. Of him being with us so many times throughout our lives, of feeling loved and special.

Do I make him sound perfect? He wasn't. He was an alcoholic who drank himself to sleep and felt awfully sorry for himself. Our home was on the stressed-out side of things, and I reacted by finding my quiet places to read and do puzzles. He was a great dad, a fun person, an easy-going dude, genuinely well-liked at work - with coping problems and an addiction he'd had since high school.

Yes, we had an intervention. No, it didn't last. Yes, we felt loved anyway.

Okay, enough of the sadness for today. I just wanted to say

I miss my dad, too.

Ask and you shall receive...

Remember that thing I said about extra time?

I was talking with my friend the other day about this Law of Attraction stuff: she said that part of it is journaling as if you are experiencing a positive outcome to whatever is going on. I found this very interesting, since my journaling usually consists of a long list of everything that is going wrong. My philosophy was that this way I was spilling it all out onto paper and I could then let it go and move on. Could the opposite really work?

So I gave it a shot, not so sure that I could keep the pen moving with positive things when it was so used to being powered by negative energy. I started slow, finding that the argument I had just had with my husband was the perfect test. The trickiest part of this is that you are really supposed to believe the positive stuff, so it can't be too crazy. I imagined a scene where our problems were resolved in a realistic way and I wrote it down. Then I wrote a clever inner dialogue where I argued the merits of this method - technically, this probably should cancel out the earnestness of my effort, but these things happen in my journal.

While it wasn't perfect and I can't say it followed my scene like a script, the reality of what happened with my husband later pretty much followed the spirit of the journaling. Is it coincidence? Is it the law of attraction? Is it the fact that I chose a pretty decent husband? Maybe all three. But one thing I know is that I was more open to a positive interaction and less defensive and argumentative, and that in itself will keep things from going bad. Take from it what you like.

So if this really works, and I was writing about wishing I had more time... did I Law of Attraction myself out of a job? Look, extra time I wasn't expecting.

Yes, I got the boot. The swift and sudden didn't-see-it-coming boot that escorts you out of the building and leaves you in shock. So I attracted myself into unemployment, scrambling to put together a description of what I had been working on over the last three and a half years. Feeling the lowest I have in a long long time. I would not wish this on anyone. I was in my supervisor's office with the HR lady and all I could think of was Up in the Air (- the movie. See it if you haven't.) She actually told me that this could be a good thing, a chance to move on to something else. Woohoo! Thanks for that.

By the way, you can't just get over the shock and awe by getting your resume together and starting to find job listings. Tried it. Pulled out the old job search stuff, updated online accounts, added my new skills to the resume... and found myself crying in the car on the way home from the store.

I found a little perspective when my sister called to say that her husband has a large mass growing on his kidney. Perspective, but not confidence.

Was it me? Was it the economy and a budget that wouldn't budge? Was it fate? Is it really an opportunity to make a change for the better? That would be nice. I honestly hope so. I feel like I'm living on a fine line - a couple of months will make or break us financially. I'd better get started on that journaling.

No Present Like Time

Wouldn't it be nice if we could get little Time presents for Christmas...

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=============== GIFT OF TIME ===============

This coupon good for two free hours of sleep time in the
morning after a crappy night of tossing and turning,
headaches, or feeling sick. Get to work on time!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=============== GIFT OF TIME ===============

This coupon good for six free hours of reading time to
catch up on a book club novel, read that business-related

non-fiction book, or read the entire Sunday paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=============== GIFT OF TIME ===============

This coupon good for three free hours of phone calls and

driving time to do business during business hours when

you would normally be busy at work yourself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find that I get more things done in "extra time" that I wasn't planning on having. Something gets cancelled, someone gets delayed, and I find myself feeling free to do the things that I haven't had time for. I'm not saying I really truly actually don't have the time to do these things, I just don't do them in the normal course of things. Not until I get that magical "free" time.

Sew?

Six months. Wow.

Ready for this? I'm watching a show on RVs on cable TV.

Cable? Me? Who would've guessed? Not the only thing I didn't see coming. Cell phones for the kids, a new "smart phone" for me, a new car, a Wii, golf clubs, teen pregnancy, teen depression, teen court dates... my mother has some kind of leukemia, my sister asked me to co-sign for a loan for her schooling. I've joined a book club and an Artist's Way group, trying to give myself some regularly scheduled events that put doing things I like to do on my priority list.

Quite frankly, I'm enjoying seeing the things people have done to their RVs. It looks fun and free and like a way to meet a lot of really interesting people. I hope my future holds some of that. If I ended up alone, a little teardrop would work, but with a crowd, the fire-engine base looks promising.

Parenting

Probably the hardest part has been watching the kids struggle to get along in a new place, dealing with new limits and a new lack of privacy. The older kids have flown the coop, not really ready to be adults but not willing to be children in an unfamiliar place - they have returned to their old haunting grounds and they don't want our guidance. We hope they have learned enough to keep out of more trouble until they gain some maturity. The younger ones want to be little adults as well, but we are trying hard to insert parenting into their world, to teach them the things they need to know, trying hard to not push them away with too many rules at once. When they are getting F's you can't expect A's right away, so we are asking for C's and they seem to be okay with that. They are all capable of more than that. They are interesting and creative and crude and bold. Their friends tell them parents don't care and we have to keep telling them that we care, that we love them, that they are important. We have to teach them that they need to learn from their mistakes, that it doesn't make them unlovable or unworthy. My heart aches for them.

Wishing

Their mom still talks about taking them away to some other state. This makes part of me afraid to get close to them, because it will tear me apart if they go... I'm getting closer anyway, because they need as much love and understanding as they can get. I hope they stay.

Money

I go between feeling okay and feeling desperate about the money things. I know we're not going to starve anytime soon, but having the kids around and wanting things to be convenient takes more money than I plan on spending. I'm still surprised at how much we spend every month, but I can't really say that anything was a horrible waste of money. It's hard to get in there and make sure that something gets moved into savings from time to time. His car has been one of the worst money-suckers, making me so afraid of getting a bad used car that I went ahead and got a new car, something I had claimed I would never do. Aaargh!! He doesn't feel the anxiety of knowing that our savings won't take us longer than about a month and a half if we both lose our jobs. Okay, so maybe it won't happen, but last year it wasn't so remote a possibility - both of our companies were making drastic cuts, and I'm not ready to say it won't happen again. Yes, the cell phones are an expense, but they do two things we couldn't do without them: it gives the kids something of their own that they can be in control of and feel some freedom at the same time, and it gives us something to use for making pretty clear rules about grades and behavior. If it works, it will be priceless.

Formatting

Someone broke the formatting. Thanks for making me edit the HTML.

Starting to feel the Mrs.

So this is the bouquet: You go to the flower place and there are all these different kinds of flowers and as you stand there looking around you know that there are some you really don't like and some you really do like. Your wedding coordinator picks up big bunches of things you like and holds them together like they are a giant bouquet. You realize that lilies don't play well with others. You pick a few things, she picks some fillers. You have no idea what it will really look like. You watch her cut a big chunk out of the fabric from your wedding dress - the train you had shortened. On your wedding day, you see the final product, and realize that real flowers are really kind of heavy. You carry it around and sometimes smell it, and you don't even notice much about it because it is just right.

I have very few pictures that I actually took on my wedding day. This was with my cell phone, for my sister who couldn't be there. We have a mish-mash of blurry video, over-exposed photos, and very special hand-drawn pictures and notes that some people filled in on our personalized guest-book/scrapbook pages. It's awesome.

And I'm not kidding. There's something very... fitting? about these things not being perfect. That's the way our lives are. I love that his son called him a "horn-dog" and the two oldest ones said to buy them cars under Advice for the Newlyweds. I think it's amusing that we have a really good video of the back of my cousin's head. And some of the photos are actually pretty good - especially when you use Picasa's face finder and you can see all the expressions of each individual. I love the picture of all of our friends that are in the meetin.org group that was the reason we met. This great group of people who have very little in common but the guts to go out and do things with strangers. I love the memories of the sunny day that made outdoor pictures possible (and over-exposed), and the way we stayed until everyone was gone instead of taking off like you're supposed to.

I totally recommend hiring a wedding coordinator/decorator/caterer like I had. She made everything easier and did an amazing job - within our budget.

And I have the best husband ever! We left home today at the same time, going different directions starting at the expressway. Both of us got stopped at the intersection, he in the left turn lane and me waiting to make a right. I looked over at his car, wondering if he was looking at me. His window rolled down and he blew me a kiss!

Why I Like People Today:

Because despite the fall turning to winter, it feels like spring - love is in the air! Friends I've known for a couple of years of singlehood are pairing off and becoming un-singled. This is much different from the group where I lived before. The singleness in that group didn't change much, the outlook was less hopeful, there wasn't much movement toward new commitments. Granted that there weren't enough options in that town, but that's one of the reasons I had to leave. I feel like I am part of something positive and progressive and I feel the love. Yippee!!

Big Step -- (mom)

Hubby's home away from home

Wow.

That about sums it up. Eight days from now, I am getting married.

Never ever ever did I imagine it would be like this. 1) I didn't think I would ever be this happy with someone, or feel this lucky, or have this much hope for the future. 2) I didn't think my little sister would not be at my wedding, but she isn't well enough to make a cross-country trip. 3) I didn't think I would marry a man with lots of kids, but there they are, and I don't mind it as much as I should. 4) I didn't think I would feel such a strong willingness to commit myself to something outside of myself. It won't be easy or instantaneous, but I am there. 5) I didn't think I would be spending the month leading up to the wedding putting in extra hours at work to meet a deadline, afraid that saying the wrong thing might get me fired. 6) I didn't think a relationship could take the stress of him being out of town for 4 days at a time so he can earn enough to support those kids. But here I am. And we're really doing this. And I'm still excited about it. Hee hee.

One of the weirdest things for me is the name change. For years and years I knew that I would keep my name if I got married, or hyphenate if I had to. This was just the way it was. This was who I was. And now, suddenly, it isn't a big deal. I don't need to hang onto it. I want to be a part of this new thing, this marriage, and I'm okay with the new last name. Searching for any doubts, down to my core, I find nothing. Just... adventure - go for it! Try this new name thing. I'm astounded by this change that snuck up on me.

Why I Like People Today:
Because they make up games like Ghosting and put them on Jay Leno and I get to laugh at work when someone starts playing the clip. Because despite the pressure that management wants to put on us, a group of smart and creative people will find ways to have fun and push back.

By the way, I am still using this dinosaur of a laptop. With a little help from an IT friend, it is a brand new kind of old friend. The kind with no Internet browser history.